


The Fifth of December

by Loser_Angel_666



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Fix-It, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Love Confessions, M/M, i'm sure i've missed a few tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27981444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loser_Angel_666/pseuds/Loser_Angel_666
Summary: This is slightly Dean centric"Almost a month and Dean isn’t ever going to be over Cas, but he’s able to eat burgers again without thinking of him and he can check the rearview mirror without his heart aching at the empty backseat. It’s almost easy to pretend Cas is simply away. He’s not gone. Not dead. He’s just away. But sometimes that feels worse."I promise it get's happier
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 7
Kudos: 91





	The Fifth of December

**Author's Note:**

> My next fic is (probably) going to be mostly about Dean being bisexual and then about Cas being queer, I'm excited to finish that one so... stay tuned ig? 
> 
> this title makes me think of Conan Gray's song, but I have another fic in the making based on Heather and I couldn't think of anything better, so... AAAAAAHHHHHHH
> 
> anyway I hope you enjoy

Dean had known he wasn’t straight for a while, but admitting it to himself took years. Sometimes he still feels the tightness of shame in his heart when he catches himself staring at a guy, even if he’s quick to tell himself that it’s okay. 

Plus, the revelation didn’t seem too important with the whole fighting God thing on their plates, and although for a while there had been hookups, times when he let himself let go for a moment, no harm in flirting, afterall… but it soon became clear that Dean wasn’t interested in that anymore. Neither men nor women made him feel the way he ached for. 

He wants more than casual sex, more than hands and sweat and lips. He thinks maybe having nothing at all is better than just the scraps of warmth from random hookups. Even if it hurts to know that he could find comfort in what's right in front of him, if only he wasn’t too afraid to seek it out. The closeness of Cas’ hand on his shoulder, his gaze locked on Dean, his smile at a stupid joke… that gave Dean more happiness than a stranger ever could.

But Cas was busy. Dean was busy. They had a job to do and pursuing anything would be unrealistic. It would only break their hearts. But Dean thought they would all come out of it alive. Maybe Cas had given him too much faith.

Dean holds himself together for nearly a week, tight-lipped smiles and too loud laughter and a few beers. Sam wasn’t convinced, how could he be, but Dean needed time. 

On the second day, Dean almost pours out a third glass of whiskey. He stares at it for a second, before he nods, shaking his head, and he pours it into his own glass instead, smiling wistfully and ignoring Sam’s sympathetic, heartbroken eyes. 

On the third day, Sam prays for Jack, they have a family dinner, because Jack may be hands off but he’s still their son. It feels a little too quiet with just the three of them. It’s off balance and Jack can tell. Somehow they end the evening smiling and reminiscing and Dean pulls out his pocket knife and hands it to Jack, tapping the table where their initials are engraved.

“Your turn kid.” He grins. Jack looks at him with wide eyes and a big smile. He nods happily and scrapes his name into the wood.

“What about Cas?” He looks at Sam and Dean.

“Do you wanna do it?” Dean asks him. Jack tilts his head at their names. 

“I think you should do it.” he says, handing the knife back to Dean. 

So Dean carves ‘CASTIEL’ into the table next to the rest of them. He’s always been family, about time they made it official.

On day four, they get together with everyone they know. Eileen and Sam had been texting nonstop, and she was the first through the door. Dean’s honestly surprised they didn’t meet up as soon as they could, they hug so tightly that Dean nearly tears up. 

He gets to see Charlie and Bobby and Garth and the family. Jody and Donna and the girls. When Claire comes to sit by him, leaving Kaia talking to Charlie and Stevie, Dean doesn’t know what to say. Cas was like a father to her. 

“Cas isn’t coming back?” Clair asks, it’s hopeful, but it’s not a question. Not really.

“Sorry, kid.” Claire nods, sighs and then takes a good long look at Dean, who looks right back, stoic, but knowing Claire sees right through him. She glances at Kaia for a moment.

“Are you alright?”

“One day.” Dean says quietly. Claire looks down and that’s really all there is left to say.

“Take care, Dean.”

“You take care of yourself too, alright? You’re always welcome here if you need anything.” Dean promises her. She smiles at that and Dean is glad that some people ended up with their normal happy life. 

It was week two when Sam came home to Dean in the library, he was still trying to find a way to get Cas back with a beer out on the table and a bandage around his hand, knuckles looking scraped and bruised. When Sam sat down wordlessly and opened a book to help, Dean didn’t even look at him.

“What happened to your hand?” Sam asked a few hours into their silent research party.

“Scratched myself when I dropped a picture frame.” Dean grumbles. But Sam knows the way a hand bruises after punching something. Dean did a shitty job covering it up.

Sam only nods, but when he goes to get himself a drink, he peeks into Dean's room. The wreckage looks mostly put back into place, but his shelf is laying sideways, there’s glass in the corner. Blood stains on the sheets and the first aid kit left carelessly on the bed. Sam peaks into the bathroom to see a shattered mirror, the door of the cabinet is on the floor. 

He asks Dean if he’s okay, and Dean smiles and nods and pats Sam on the back.

Dean kind of hates Cas for leaving like that. He hates him for ever leaving when Dean so badly needed him to stay. He hates himself for not saying it back. He had been trying to. He’d been trying to say it for years, even if the words wouldn’t come out straight. He tried to say it in purgatory. Cas had heard him, he said he knew. 

The one thing I know I can’t have.

Dean doesn’t go a single day without praying to Cas. He knows Cas can’t hear him. He knows it’s kind of hopeless, but he has to. So he prays to Cas whenever something interesting happens. He prays to Cas when nothing interesting is happening. He prays to Cas after nightmares and before nightmares.

Almost a month and Dean isn’t ever going to be over Cas, but he’s able to eat burgers again without thinking of him and he can check the rearview mirror without his heart aching at the empty backseat. It’s almost easy to pretend Cas is simply away. He’s not gone. Not dead. He’s just away. But sometimes that feels worse.

Eileen and Sam are happy together. Eileen lives in the bunker almost ninety percent of the time, and it makes Dean sick with happiness for his brother and sick with grief all at once.

“I’m happy for you.” Dean tells him, shame bubbling in his stomach at the envy he feels for the love they have. Eileen has gone back to her place for the night,which is rare these days, but she and Sam spent the whole day together. 

“Thanks.” Sam smiles, so obviously happy. “Do you think you’ll ever…”

“No.” Dean swallows hard.

“Never?”

“Cas is gone, Sam.”

“I know grief is-”

“Sammy.” Dean closes his eyes. “Cas… He was it for me. He had been for a long time.”

“Dean,” Sam looks at him with a new expression of sorrow. “I’m sorry.”

“I got Miracle.” He shrugs and smiles, but it’s wobbly and he ends up going to bed shortly after, hands clasped at his forehead, whispering prayers through tears. 

He puts on his headphones and listens to the mix tape he made Cas. He falls asleep with Miracle on his lap and the tape playing.

The next few days start off the holiday season and Dean doesn’t want to look at the storefronts, with their stupid christmas trees and candy cane decorations. He doesn’t want to go into the stores so he can look at all the things he would have bought for Cas, had he been alive for Christmas. He doesn’t want to help Sam carry in the too big tree he dragged through the front door and he doesn’t want to help decorate it, so they leave it there, green and empty and making the whole room smell like pine. Maybe they’ll call Jack. Make it a tradition. 

But it doesn’t feel like anything without Cas there.

It’s the fifth of December at four AM, and he’s been sitting here behind Baby’s wheel for two hours. He’s not driving, the car is off and he bounces his thumb across the wheel as he decides whether he wants to go anywhere at all. If maybe he just wants to stay here, in this cold ass garage and wait for Sam to wake up and call him back inside.

It’s the fifth of December, and Dean feels like he’s buzzing with numbness.

It’s the fifth of December and Dean’s phone is ringing, but why would Sam be awake at four thirty in the morning.

It’s the fifth of December and Dean very nearly declines the random number calling. But he doesn’t. God is he glad he doesn’t.

“Dean?”

Dean can’t say anything. He can’t speak. He’s choking on air, eyes wide. It’s a trick. It’s a joke.

“Cas?” 

“Yes, it’s me.” He says, sounding disbelieving of himself. He tells Dean where he is.

“I’m coming to get you.” Dean doesn’t even hesitate, the car is already started.

“Thank you.”

Dean calls Sam, but he’s already backing out. Three long-ass minutes later, a sleep rumpled Sam is in the passenger seat, still in his pajamas, and looking awake and wide eyed at the prospect of Cas being alive.

They drive in silence, Dean can’t think about anything but Cas, but thinking about him is just as bad. He can’t let himself hope until he has Cas in front of him.

They pull into the parking lot of a small park, it’s empty due to the cold weather, but Cas is sitting on one of the benches, his back to the road. Seeing him, coat rumpled and hair messy as ever, makes Dean’s heart stop so bad he nearly crashes the car. He almost doesn’t even care.

“Cas?” Dean calls out, Cas stands smiling ruefully and Dean pulls him into a hug as soon as he’s close enough.

They’ve had reunions similar to this before. They’ve both died far too many times, but this time it’s different. This time Dean clings to him with a purpose. He doesn’t know how to say it. He doesn’t know if he’s still allowed to want this, if Cas has changed his mind, if maybe he misinterpreted his final words. He can’t say it out loud, but he hugs Cas with every emotion he has, hoping the angel can pick up on it. When Dean pulls away, finally, Sam goes in to hug him as well.

“How are you back?” 

“I’m not sure.” Cas shrugs. “I was in the empty and it was… loud. It was crowded and the shadow was angry, then there was an explosion of some sort and I woke up here.”

“Just like that?” Dean asks. Cas nods and Dean shrugs. “Good enough for me.” He hasn’t taken his eyes off Cas the entire time, wanting to pull him right back into a hug. 

“We should head back,” Sam says, breaking their staring contest. Dean nods and the three of them head towards Baby. 

“Sam, in the back.”

“What?”

“Cas was dead.” Dean glares at his brother. “He deserves shotgun.”

“Alright,” Sam holds his hands up in surrender, smiling, and then he manages to shove his tall-ass self into the backseat. “I’m gonna call Jody, tell her the good news.”

“Great.” Dean nods, he turns up the music as he pulls out, and when it’s the tape he made Cas playing, he forces down his blush along with his urge to turn it right back off. When he glances at Cas out of the corner of his eye, he’s smiling gently at Dean. Dean grins back, a smile that he never really noticed he’d reserved for Cas. But god, it feels good to smile like that again.

Once they’re back at the bunker, it’s early afternoon and none of them have eaten. Cas sits on the stool at the kitchen table while Dean gets out a frying pan and sets to work on three burgers.

“So.” Dean says, his back to Cas. “Are you human?”

“I am.”

“Good. Well, uh, not good. But… I’m glad you’re here.” Dean stumbles over his words. “And I’m sorry about you mojo being gone.”

“It’s okay, my ‘mojo’ had been depleting slowly for a while before I… left. I had already come to terms with the idea of being human. I’m just sorry I won’t be of much help anymore.”

“Don’t worry about helping us, Cas. We don’t keep you around ‘cause you’re an angel.” Dean shakes his head.

He turns around to look at Cas, hands in pockets, lips pressed together in worry. Cas only nods shortly, a half-hearted smile on his face that makes Dean harden his gaze a little.

“You didn’t think we kept you around just for your grace, did you?”

“Realistically, no.” Cas shrugs.

“We want you here, Cas. Wings or no wings. Because you’re Cas. Not because you’re an angel.” Dean says, pointing the spatula at Cas. “Got it?”

“Got it.”

“Good. Because this is your home too. You’re family.” Dean says, then immediately cringes. “Not like… family family. Just… you’re… important to us.” Cas raises his eyebrows, but then Sam walks in and Dean goes back to the burgers, face red.

“I’ve filled everyone in, we’re all glad to have you back, Cas.”

“I’m glad to be back.”

Dean serves the burgers and Sam and Dean fill in Cas while they eat.Eileen arrives a few hours later and she hugs Cas as well, welcoming him back excitedly. Jack drops in and informs them of what happened. He’s rebuilding heaven, he says, and he needed more angels. He needed archangels.

“Does that mean Gabriel is alive?”

“Yes, he’s in Heaven. But he’s promised to come down for Christmas.” Jack smiles and Dean makes a comment about how he better behave himself, but honestly, he’ll be happy to see Gabe again, even if he’s a pain in the ass.

It’s not until evening, well after the sun has set, that Sam and Eileen head back to Sam’s room. Jack goes back to heaven, and suddenly it’s just Dean and Cas. Cas looks like he’s trying to find an excuse to leave. Or a reason to stay. So Dean refills his glass and then his own glass, taking a small sip without taking his eyes off Cas.

“You’ve done well.” Cas says softly. “Chuck is gone, the world is as safe,”

“I couldn’t have ever gotten here without you, man.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is. I need you Cas. I’ve always needed you, always will. I’m not just talking about saving the world either.” Dean says, somehow managing to keep eye contact with Cas the entire time. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to top what you said…”

“You don’t need to say anything.” Cas whispers when Dean doesn’t continue.

“I want to. I thought you knew. I want… I want you to know.”

“...I know, Dean.”

“Well then I want you to hear it too.” Dean chuckles. He drains his glass, then sets it down, turning his chair to face Cas fully. 

“Castiel… you changed me too.” He says smiling. Then he looks back down for a minute to gather his courage again. “You gave me faith when I was riding on nothing but spite. You gave me something to believe in. Not only that, man, you made me believe in myself. I’ve always… you- you saw all of who I was, everything I’ve done, and somehow you still saw the good. You’ve seen all of me, and I’m not sure how you could love me after that, but…” He shakes his head.

“You deserve love, Dean.”

“So do you.” Dean says, looking up and meeting Cas’ eyes. “And you were wrong. I tried to tell you in purgatory, I tried to… I thought- I thought we had time. But Cas, I love you too. Of course I love you.” Dean gets out of his seat to kneel in front of Cas’ chair so he can reach out and takes Cas’ hand. “You are kind and brave and compassionate in every way that I’m not.”

“Dean Winchester.” Cas warns.

“I’m not getting down on myself. I’m complimenting you, shut up.” 

“I love you too.”

So Dean pulls Cas up and into a hug and they stay like that, hugging and smiling with teary eyes and when they finally separate, Dean pulls Cas to his room. They set up the computer with an old movie, but they’ve both seen it, so if they end up making out while it plays in the background, that’s no one’s business but theirs.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone is interested in beta reading my fics message me on twitter (@ queer_angel_ ) because otherwise, I'm not editing anything beyond what google docs already does for me. I hope this was okay anyway though <3
> 
> now that I've finally posted this, I'll have to read through my other completed fic (I may suck at editing but I at least do a read through) and then I have five more tabs open with my wips 
> 
> let's just forget about schoolwork, okay? 
> 
> I'm just excited to be writing, feel free to ignore this lmao
> 
> Anyway, comments and kudos are appreciated, I love y'all


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